I realized something important in the wee hours of the morning as I lay awake thinking about things.
I had the answers to dealing with all this all along.
I once described all living beings as being essentially separate only on a superficial level, much like mushrooms grow together because they are, in truth, one organism under the soil. One mushroom may be picked, but the organism lives on.
I once wrote that heaven is wherever dreamers can consider their wildest notions without consequence, and that it is a state we can reach within our lives.
I once wrote that the worship of prophets was false, but that all teachers had something that we could learn from.
I once considered that reincarnation is not so much punishment as a simple cause-and-effect relationship, and that someone who is born into a bad life shouldn’t be looked down on because they did not consciously choose that misfortune; it was a consequence the same way a soccer ball hitting a fence is a consequence of its being kicked, even if the fence is not where the kicker aimed. When one has misfortune from the right intention but the wrong action, they should be treated with compassion, not with disdain.
I came to understand that life has enough suffering and that making it worse with needless violence is a grave mistake; I totally agree that reducing the suffering of others is an important part of a well-lived life.
I basically, I’ve turned Buddhist in all but name, and without knowing what I was doing (I really didn’t get Buddhism before and I didn’t really pay it much attention) I still managed to grasp nearly all of its core concepts on a level that is difficult to describe in words.
I’m still not sure I want to call myself one because I think labels are silly and limiting, but I have to admit, I completely and totally get the Buddhist concept of how the world works now and I will continue exploring on my own and see what else I can learn simply by meditating, learning, thinking, and feeling.
And what does this have to do with my recent posts, about feeling frazzled at finding out more details of everything?
I just haven’t been applying what I knew. I was compartmentalizing too much and not allowing the transcendental concepts I’ve learned to be applied to this, out of fear I’d be seen as a flake, a new-ager, someone who was just wrapped up in a fantasy of their own making. But in doing so, I failed to see the whole point of the pain and joy I have seen across the two lifetimes I remember.
I am right to refer to John Harris specifically in the third person; I am no more John Harris than a sparrow is still an egg. We grow, we evolve, we set up the dominoes, knock them down, then set them up again in a new pattern.
I am wrong to seek that old tin box. It would not serve me in this life; it would only be an attachment to something that is no longer mine, and I hope it is still there in France, returned to the earth as a brown stain in the soil, just as the body I had back then has returned to the earth and nourished a beautiful willow tree.
I can continue my research now, because I see that this is only a lesson to be learned, and not a wrong to be righted. Whatever pain, fear, and hurt I had within me as John Harris are things I must detach from, and whatever right or wrong actions I did, are things I must learn from.