Still Recording Memories

I’m still recording memories as they come, although I’m holding off on sharing or attempting to interpret them while I await a professional opinion.

I am less convinced now that my mental state should be of concern, but I owe it to myself to not take chances with my mental health if I’m having weird ideas that preoccupy me this much.

Perhaps I panicked…

It seems the “fugue states” I thought I had may have been a non-event that I psyched myself into thinking had happened after becoming worried about how much of a preoccupation I had with this past life thing.

The first time involved missing a stop on a bus home, and because of the relative monotony of the ride and my fatigued state, I can’t rule out that I simply missed one or two stops while deep in thought.

The second time was definitely a non-event.  The folder I thought I had deleted completely (recycle bin and all) without any memory of the event is still there.  Somehow, when I searched for it by its name or by the names of sub-folders, it never showed up so I assumed it was gone from my hard drive, end of story.

Then today, when I was searching for something in another directory, I came across some files that I knew belonged in that missing folder.  It turns out I had accidentally moved it into an adjacent folder by accident while moving some other files (an easy and common mistake) and it’s all there.  Why it never showed up in search results before, I’ll never know.  

At least this does give me some relief.  But I’m still not entirely convinced that I haven’t had a break with reality.  I’m still concerned with the level of obsession I’ve given this topic lately; it dominates my thoughts to the point where I find I see the world as if I were very old now.  I talk about my few memories of the Victorian era as if I remember it firsthand, and it feels like I might be starting to lose sight of my true identity, age, and all that business.

Also, I really don’t like being spooked by vague flashbacks to a war that happened nearly a century ago when I walk to the store.  That’s the other reason I still think I’m quite possibly bonkers.

This Saddens Me…

Unrelated to the recollections I’m holding onto, so I’ll post this because it’s topical:

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-18758900

Delusional or not, I’m disgusted when I hear about someone mistreating the remains of a soldier, especially a soldier from such an unfortunate event as the First World War.  And whether or not I really was a British soldier in those days, and no matter how I really feel about the war, that doesn’t change anything.  Everyone out there on the Western Front lived and died the same way, for the same reasons, and every one of them deserves to be given some dignity in death.

Rather than being punished, I hope whoever is responsible actually learns and understands one day why this is wrong and why many people are hurt by this.

Incidentally, look at the date on that article.  98 years to the day after John Harris’ death.

Please, have some respect for the dead.

Holding off new material

I have new material to post, but I’m not posting it until I get my head examined.

I’m still not sure I’m OK.  It’s hard to say I’m properly delusional for the very fact that I can question my beliefs and understand that they’re weird and impossible to prove, but I always have that nagging doubt that maybe this is the first warning sign of something much worse.

If a professional says I’m not delusional, then I’ll resume posting the back log of material I’ve gathered.  I’ll be able to see someone starting the second of next month.

It Really Is a Silent Night…

Our roommate pulled up police band frequencies on his phone and we started listening in.

We noticed in areas where it was Christmas or had been Christmas recently, there was very little activity on the police band radios. Maybe an isolated bit of banter every 5-10 minutes or so on the busier signals like Dallas.

There was plenty of activity in Australia, where it was well into the 26th. A call about someone pulling a knife. But the worst we heard stateside in all the frequencies we tried was a possible gunshot in Dallas with breaking glass and a suspicious person having their background checked. That’s it.

New Orleans had the usual things you’d expect in a place where the police are scared. A bit more traffic stops and general banter, but nothing really dramatic.

I wonder, is this normal? I’d always heard some of the most shocking crimes are committed on Christmas. But maybe they’re the exception.

EDIT: The only felony we’ve heard so far was a car chase in San Diego.  LAPD was talking about egg nog!  This is awesome!

Delusional?

Reading up on the subject of delusion, I’m really not sure what to make of this.

Several people I’ve told (not least among them my partner and my roommate) seem to be convinced that I’m not delusional when they’ve seen me spontaneously recall things, then find historic facts to back them up.

But just the sheer bizarreness of the experience and the distress it’s causing really beggars belief, and I could always throw into doubt any confirmation as being the product of a confirmation bias.

I’m profoundly confused by my experiences at this time and given some of the other hints at a psychological/neurological disturbance, I’m hesitant to believe.

As for the “fugue states” I mentioned, even those might be more catastrophizing than actual catastrophes.  In one instance I seem to have been either deeply lost in thought or completely unaware for about 3-5 minutes on a local bus route so that I passed my stop; in another, I seem to have deleted several gigabytes of files from a folder I was working in on my computer (though I had been burning things to disc from there).

I’m not sure.  I think it is worth the frank opinion of a mental health professional.  I just hope they actually take time to listen to me instead of only hearing the first few words out of my mouth before they form their opinion, but previous experience does not give me much hope.