Sometimes I really feel like I’ve made peace with my memories, like I’m moving forward.
Other times, something feels deeply wrong. I start obsessing about my life as John more, and I feel a dull emotional ache, like I should be feeling so much more pain than I am.
For the last few days I’ve felt a strong need to cry but I couldn’t. I needed to weep, to get something out, but I couldn’t. I looked around for a sad song to try to help me budge it, but I couldn’t find anything that I had the right response to.
It turns out a song about the war did it.
This isn’t good… emotional stoppages like that are a bad sign. I suppose it’s good that I know the source of a lot of my unhappiness in this life, but I wish I could just shed it now that I know what happened.
I suppose if I hadn’t remembered this past life, it would have festered anyway. I used to get these feelings a lot before I remembered; I was very unhappy even from young childhood. Starting my transition has helped some, but that’s only a part of my pain. Deep down, I still have to reckon with what happened in France in 1915.
I imagine if I’ve been bottling up emotions this bad, then there are probably more memories in there as well… very uncomfortable ones. I’ve been avoiding it, but I think I’m ready to try ways of letting the bad ones out. I need to just let it all come to the surface and get it out, like vomiting out poison. I want to, so badly. I just want to get it out of me.