Sometimes…

Sometimes I really feel like I’ve made peace with my memories, like I’m moving forward.

Other times, something feels deeply wrong.  I start obsessing about my life as John more, and I feel a dull emotional ache, like I should be feeling so much more pain than I am.

For the last few days I’ve felt a strong need to cry but I couldn’t.  I needed to weep, to get something out, but I couldn’t.  I looked around for a sad song to try to help me budge it, but I couldn’t find anything that I had the right response to.

It turns out a song about the war did it.  

This isn’t good…  emotional stoppages like that are a bad sign.  I suppose it’s good that I know the source of a lot of my unhappiness in this life, but I wish I could just shed it now that I know what happened.  

I suppose if I hadn’t remembered this past life, it would have festered anyway.  I used to get these feelings a lot before I remembered; I was very unhappy even from young childhood.  Starting my transition has helped some, but that’s only a part of my pain.  Deep down, I still have to reckon with what happened in France in 1915.

I imagine if I’ve been bottling up emotions this bad, then there are probably more memories in there as well… very uncomfortable ones.  I’ve been avoiding it, but I think I’m ready to try ways of letting the bad ones out.  I need to just let it all come to the surface and get it out, like vomiting out poison.  I want to, so badly.  I just want to get it out of me.

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