How Long?

I wonder how long it will be until I’m finally over what happened…

Can I ever be over that?  Dammit, nearly 69 years where as far as I can tell I walked the earth as a restless spirit wasn’t enough.  28 years in a life as far from the battlefield as I could get wasn’t enough.  Six months of struggling to integrate this experience into my life didn’t really do it; I still have days when I cry at the drop of a hat for what I lost.

I want to be over this before a century has passed.  A hundred years is long enough.  I want to be able to kneel by the grave of the man I once was on or before July 8, 2015 and just let it all out.  I want to attend the Last Post at the Menin Gate and say my final goodbye to all my mates who got ground into the mud.  I want to go back to all these places in England I was looking for blindly a decade ago but never could find.  I want to pay my respects to my former enemies too, and leave something by way of an apology at Langemarck.

I just want to let go.  I have a life that is worth living now and I can’t let the sorrow of that tragic mistake darken the rest of my days.  I’m doing better, but I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t with me every single day of my life.

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