It Hurts to Heal

I find that when I try to avoid triggers, I suddenly see them everywhere.  It didn’t take long at all for that to become painfully clear.

The songs I listen to, the videos I watch, the articles I read, the places I visit, the buildings on campus that would have been built while I was still John (one of which I have classes in every day)…  Something always threatens to drag me back to thinking about that life.  If I continue to avoid triggers, I’m going to miss out on a lot of living.

And yet, my instinct is to keep avoiding triggers because these memories really scare me.  I find it’s an act of will to face them, though I can’t deny that there’s a certain cold comfort to be found in embracing these memories as mine and finally letting them come to the surface rather than binding them deep within my soul like I have for nearly a century.  In letting it come forward, letting myself shed tears for all that was lost, telling anyone who will listen, I find I feel just a little more whole.  Why do I just want to delete this blog, delete every song and video from every playlist that reminds me of that damned war, and just become a recluse?

Remembering is helping me heal… why do I find it so difficult?


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