My writing has ground to a halt.
I don’t know what to do with my life. I’m worried my writing might be too intellectual. And I know that sounds egotistical but I’ve actually had people say that to me before, usually people expecting a light story suddenly put off by the complexity of what I write about.
I can’t write light material any more. The last time I was able to do that was a cheap novella I wrote in 2007-10. Something changed in me. I was pretty much an avowed atheist in that period and I was so sure in that. Then in the summer of 2010, I had some experiences that basically started the ball rolling on this whole past life thing.
Learning about a possible past life as an accomplished writer is either a profound revelation, or the height of spiraling delusions.
But even if I am not delusional, I am misguided. I thought learning about a past life where I was successful would help inspire me; instead, it gave me a false hope that I might “get back on the horse” and take off on a sharp upward trajectory now that I found my “true name.” No. Far from it. I’ve actually had terrible luck lately. I had a publisher back out on me when I brought up money, for one thing (he didn’t know about the whole past life mess). I had a really difficult month with issues in my classes and at home, sleep deprived and overworked, sometimes reading up to 200 pages of history and sociology texts a night.
But worst of all is the realization that past life success does not guarantee success in a current life. I keep hurting myself with these lives by getting too attached to things I no longer have, and I keep ending up badly depressed because of it.
I’m not entirely over my life as John either. As I piece together what happened on 25 May 1915 at the Battle of Bellewaerde Ridge, I find more questions than answers. I remember details that aren’t in “Magnificent but Not War,” like how the Germans defended positions with passive defense once they broke through the line near Railway Wood. But as far as the specific details, those have not surfaced in the part of the book I have read. It makes sense; historians have long said that the German offense at the Second Battle of Ypres was strong, but that they didn’t do enough to exploit their gains when they broke through, and that the KSLI and KRRC at Railway Wood did not come under particularly heavy fire compared to the PPCLI. Although I am almost certain that this is because they relied mainly on passive defense- traps, barbed wire, and a few more gruesome tactics- I cannot prove it. There’s a theme park over part of the battlefield, and Railway Wood is off limits for digs because it’s the site of a mine disaster and therefore a war grave. Everything I remember is buried forever.
I’ll get over my life as a writer, and I’ll get over my life as John. But for now, I’ve hit that inevitable low point when I realize, once and for all, that the person I was is gone and I can never be the same person again.
I have only a single online course over the next month, then a month and a half break before classes start again. I say that’s good timing because I’m going to need some time off.
Will update when relevant. I’m burned out and genuinely depressed, and have been for weeks, but only now do I realize it. Usually that’s around the time it starts to get better so here’s hoping.