Vulnerability

I’ve been living under the shadow of the most profound sense of vulnerability since my last wave of flashbacks.

I think I’ve started losing perspective too.  Small problems seem big, big problems seem huge, and I start feeling lost and alone in a big world.  It’s caused a myriad of problems.  I’m starting to think of every nightmare scenario that could possibly go wrong, I’ve started looking for signs that it’s time to get to safety, I’ve started obsessively planning for every contingency.  But my fiction writing- probably my greatest asset- always suffers when I’m like this and doesn’t recover until the long periods of deep anxiety settle down again.  I start thinking that if I can’t write good fiction then I should be a bad freak, and I start bracing for impact with humiliation as yet another nightmare scenario for a final stand that might never even come.

I’m not sure how to cope with this feeling of intense vulnerability that always hits when the war comes up.  I’m too fearful for my own good.

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