Rambling About Life

I’m now officially being treated for emotional trauma and have been recognized as displaying symptoms similar to those of PTSD.

I attribute this mainly to a number of things that have happened in my current life; if anything, my therapist and I seem to agree that by the time I was having disturbingly accurate memories of the First World War, I was already traumatized by other events in my life.  Actually, the initial trauma goes back to childhood but it’s been compounded by untreated triggering by numerous setbacks, constant targeting by narcissists, and a severe lack of emotional support for most of my life.

I had been led to believe by certain people in my life that I was simply born with a defective brain, and was very often diagnosed with learning or development disorders that were out of line with my actual functional abilities, in part because there were certain people in my life who had something to gain by taking care of a “disabled child.”

My therapist has reassured me many times that I have not had a psychotic break, though I still wonder what to make of these apparent past lives unearthed by more recent trauma.  About the time I first had these memories, I felt like I’d just had my being blasted straight through into a deep, old, and very raw core of trauma that felt as natural as any other trauma in my life.  My therapist says it doesn’t really matter since it seems to be helping me work through my problems one way or another, so I talk freely with her about it.

My confidence in the admittedly wild idea that I have remembered past lives wavers as always, and has remained in constant flux the whole time; some days it seems the natural thing to believe, others it seems like I can’t get my mind around the absurdity.  Perhaps I should be worried if I become rigid in my beliefs, but for now that would take nothing less than a sign from the nearest god that these were indeed past lives.

At any rate, the good news is I’m apparently moving along in the healing process.  The bad news is, it has done a number on my ability to function for the time being because I’ve had some incidents recently that triggered me (along with some unrelated medical problems that will take some months to resolve).  I have taken medical leave from my university until next semester.

This is not the first time I’ve attempted to recover by resting, but it is the first time I’ve had a professional recommend that to me.  This is a huge relief and by January, I’ll be ready to start a new semester and I’ll probably be back to making A’s like before.

While I’m resting, I’m going to put some energy into my writing.  The book I’m working on currently blends medieval intrigue with science fiction, including themes like virtual reality, future settings, and past lives.  I’ll go ahead and finish that while I suss out whether or not I want to continue being a genre fiction author or if I want to try to push my contemporary literary fiction (of which I have written one poorly-received novel).

Here’s hoping for better times.

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