To Be Authentic

I’m debating with myself whether or not I should just say who I am, but not yet.  Not until I finally answer some questions about this life I may or may not have lived in the mid-20th century. Once that’s out of the way, I’ve got no reason not to.

Part of my transition from male to female has put me at a crossroads with trying to understand my authentic self.  If I decide to change my name and gender marker and start living full-time as a woman, I have to be damned sure I can love myself as I truly am and fix what needs fixing before I do something I regret.  That means laying all my cards on the table and not hiding behind masks and double lives.  That means seeing if I can stand to live without clinging to this addiction to shame.

That means thinking logically about everything I presume about myself and my life.  I’m having to choose what I keep and what I let go of, and letting go of secrets that I keep for the sole purpose of making myself “likable” is going to be a huge part of that.

Thinking about it, I have a number of reasons to believe that making my identity known won’t be to my detriment.

First of all, I’m not anyone that important.  I’m a small-time genre fiction writer with a tiny following and probably less than a thousand copies of my print novels in circulation.  This isn’t exactly tabloid press material because I’m not worth the coverage yet.  If I was someone whose work gets made into movies and carries their royalty payments in wheelbarrows like Brown or Franzen or King or Rowling, that would be a whole different matter.

Second, being eccentric is not an obstacle to being a writer.  Hell, I’ve already found another novelist who claims to be channeling one of my past lives!  Writers have a reputation for being eccentric and I should stop letting people who have shamed me for my eccentricity decide what I should do and be.

Third, even if I do say who I am, I can hold to my policy of not using this blog to promote my work.  That means no plugs for my novels, no excerpts from my novels unless they’re relevant to past life stuff, and no announcements/ release dates/ schedule information will be posted here.  After all, openness does not mean I have to mix personal affairs with business.

Finally, saying who I am will allow me to talk about all of my discoveries, not just the ones that don’t identify me.  It would make it easier, for example, to explain why I suspected my most recent past life should the memories turn out to be false; after all, up to this point my strongest case has been a circumstantial one involving similar traits between us.

Let’s see how this deal with the letter I sent pans out.  If it’s nothing, then I’ll have nothing to lose by being more open.  If it’s something… we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.  If I haven’t heard anything in six months, I’ll assume it’s nothing and I’ll have an amusing anecdote to tell about the time I thought I was this person in a previous life.

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