If I Could Make A Difference…

More than a year on, I’m still trying to make sense of my experiences.

I’m more aware than ever, I think, of how precarious any condition of peace is when it comes to international politics.  Nobody in the summer of 1913 saw what was coming in the summer of 1914, after all.  Every bit of human history from about the time of Napoleon on seems to have been nothing but a series of loosely-connected wars that become worse and worse each time.

But what can someone like me do about it?

In another life, I joined the cause I believed in the most and died an arguably preventable death that did very little to advance that cause.

In a life after that, I wrote about my experiences but had nothing but trouble, and nobody listened to what I had to say until I was long gone.

So here I am, once again writing about the things that concern me, and feeling, once again, so painfully weak and impotent in the face of everything that’s looming over the horizon.

World War 3?  Check out the situation in Asia.  Ecological collapse?  Likely, if we don’t get our act together.  Global plutocracy?  TPP’s moving forward and Google’s investing in military technology companies.  Societal collapse and internal strife?  Now there’s a prophecy waiting to fulfill itself any day now.  And yeah, we’ve been skating on thin ice for most of the time I’ve been alive, but the situation’s getting tense.

So what do I do?  I don’t want to be one of those people who sat back and did nothing.  I could throw myself into the fray and become some sort of partisan for a revolutionary force (assuming such existed anyway) only to find out just before being summarily executed that the cause was all for nothing.  I could keep writing about what I see, and continue being ignored.  I could keep writing and demand attention for my ideas, and be ridiculed the rest of my life.  Or I could just pretend it doesn’t bother me and join the winning side, whatever that might be.  That’s a strategy that seemed to work in a life I lived a few centuries back…

Or is there some other option I’m overlooking?  Restricted thinking is the hallmark of a disturbed individual, after all.  But even when I put this question to others they seem to offer nothing in the way of helpful advice.

I’m tired of choosing between cannon fodder, Cassandra, and collaborator.  I want a new role that can actually make a difference.

Another thing that’s bothering me is the fact that with everything that’s going on in this world, I’m spending money and time on something like a gender transition.  I feel guilty because it seems so frivolous.  What is gender anyway?  Why do I feel the need to do this when I know the whole concept of gender is a silly social construct?  For that matter, why does anyone?  It seems like another pointless materialist distraction born of consumerist boredom and not of any real thought or necessity.  At times I really disgust myself for not putting my gender angst aside and investing that money in something more worthwhile.

I don’t want to be remembered as a selfish person who never did anything worthwhile for humanity.  I don’t want to be ignored until it’s too late.  I don’t want to waste my life for a dubious outcome.  I just want to know that there is something I can devote all of my energy toward that will work.


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