Indecision

Thinking about it, I can’t bring myself to appeal to the public for information on my suspected previous life.  Not now.

It’s the same concerns as ever, about not wanting to be seen as piggybacking on someone else’s legacy, and me being extremely self-conscious about my future prospects as an author.

I suppose it’s only right that I should put my life here and in the present over learning more about the mysteries of death and reincarnation.  Still, this is not an easy decision and I feel like I’m being distracted by the rat race, like I’m losing to my own contradictions by having to put my image over what I really want to know.

I keep wanting to tell myself “maybe if I publish one or two books I can make enough to live off, then I can ask my questions.”  But I know that such “maybe” sentiments usually mean “never,” and I might not be satisfied when I get to that point.  I might keep making myself promises I can’t keep while I hope in vain for a chance to ask living witnesses if I correctly remember a life that ended before I was born.

Maybe it won’t hurt me as bad as I think.  I’ve already told some of my readers that I recall WWI and medieval times, but I have been deliberately vague on specifics with them and I don’t talk about it nearly as often with them as I do here.  I don’t have to mention it to them, I could deny that I’m the one who made the post, and I could keep my promise to not mix past life stuff with promoting books.

But what if someone puts two and two together and starts pointing out my awful books as “proof” that I wasn’t this person to humiliate me?  That would be so embarrassing.  My style is very different, and my work thus far has lacked maturity and anything close to the level of what I would have produced in that prior life is still a long way down the pipe for now.

I guess my overwhelming thought is that the time isn’t right for it yet… but when will the time be right, or will it ever be?

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