Not Good…

I’m experiencing emotional numbness and signs of anxiety while not feeling overtly anxious.

This could be a sign I’m about to have another really nasty flashback.  The emotional numbing sometimes builds to a head and when the dam breaks, I often find I’m back on the Western Front, unable to escape the images burned into my soul nearly a century ago.

It’s hard to describe.  I’ll feel very drowsy, disconnected for days on end, and I’ll have a difficult time concentrating or feeling any sort of love, pleasure, or joy.  But I’ll feel the urgent need to have emotions, the same as you’d feel an urgent need for any bodily function if you had a blockage somewhere in one of the many ducts and tubes.  Sometimes I’ll have outbursts of anger or frustration, but they’ll feel artificial and not entirely like they’re part of “me.”  

I just want it to get over with.  Maybe it’s not related to the war, maybe it’s something else entirely, but it’s not going to be pleasant.

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