Definitely feeling moody. Seems to happen this time of year.
It’s been almost 99 years since that stupid battle. The things I recalled can’t be un-seen though. Sometimes I really do wish this was just a mental illness that could be treated, but even my doctors say it’s not as simple as that.
The sad fact is, even if these memories aren’t real, I somehow created a vivid, realistic, and accurate mental image that was believable enough to pass for a real memory. They say that a vivid false memory registers on the same circuits as a real one so even if I wasn’t a private at the Second Battle of Ypres, I’ve managed to freak myself out pretty bad with the thought that I was. About the only possibility I can rule out is “wishful thinking” because I wouldn’t wish that level of terror on most people, except maybe jingoistic politicians.
I have to keep reminding myself that whatever it was, I’ve been through a difficult experience and I have to take ownership of my feelings even if I always find it difficult to take full ownership of the memories. And even if I wasn’t him, I’ll never forget John Harris or what he had to go through as long as I live.