I want 30% more life.
I want 60% more enjoyment.
Supersize your love and maximize your download speed,
Uplink into me and connect, wire up, baby!
Sure, I could go for the economy and elegant simplicity
Of the super-efficient XF model with optional tartan upholstery.
I could also wear shoes from the thrift store (yuck!)
No, I want the deluxe Euro model with continental accents.
How dare you insult me with this slop?
This isn’t the cheesalicious wonderment I was promised,
The flavor-blasted, reduced-fat, fun-enhanced,
flavoriffic morsels of 95% pure love product
That we all crave! (part of this balanced breakfast).
My needs are modern, cybernetic, ergonomic, chic, and proactive,
And cannot be met by my father’s dime store fare.
The new age simply cannot progress
Without a virtually-indestructible polycarbonate face
And water-resistance at up to 300 meters (as used by U.S. special forces).
I want 40% more power,
I want 100% more than the leading competitor,
I want it, I need it,
I am plug-and-play ready for my next upgrade.
I wrote this around 2010. It’s still one of my favorites!