I’m having to take some time to reflect on my own for a bit.
It seems that I’ve been in a bad emotional state, largely from some things in my current life. I also suspect being avoidant about WWI stuff the last couple of weeks trying not to get dragged down by it has actually backfired since there are some anniversaries looming.
I’ve also hit a wall. I’m only having fragmentary memories currently, or rehashing what’s already happened.
There are some things that I haven’t re-hashed, that actually are clues that have gotten my attention but would disclose too much about me. Some of it involves the name I chose for myself around the time these memories started and the initials I ended up with (it turns out that they do mean something in Hebrew and in the context of my life it’s something rather astonishing).
I also found a short film I had made in 2006 with video clips I took in and around Richmond Park in London. I had just come back from the UK and was still missing it terribly, though by this point I was starting to doubt I would ever go back. The short film is in black and white, but the really eerie thing is the song I set it to: “In A Graveyard” by Rufus Wainwright. The hair stood up on the back of my neck when I watched this film again for the first time in several years tonight. Why else would I make such a morbidly depressing film, unless I knew…?
If I decide to share it, I may have to re-work the titles at the end because the music extends into the credits and I don’t want my name on it. If I do post it, I’ll probably share it here via my Longlosttommy YouTube account. That is, assuming I can upload it without YouTube pulling it since I can’t find any copies of the studio version on YouTube any more. In fact I pulled the film from my “public” YouTube account some years ago when I became concerned about copyrights but some of my friends reading this may have already seen it. I’ll see what I can do but if it gets pulled for copyright shortly after I post it, I apologize in advance.
Anyhow, this may be the last update for a few days or weeks. I need to sort myself out. I’ve been having panic attacks and I’m kind of behind on my coursework. Present life angst is definitely foremost on my mind but far from the only thing.