Deciphering My Experience: How It Got Better for Me.

As I may have mentioned before on this blog, I have spoken openly and factually with my doctors and therapists about the experiences I’ve had.

We’ve ruled out psychotic delusions, bipolar disorder, and all the major problems, and the experience seems to have had a positive net effect on my overall stability so it seems unlikely that it’s pathological in nature.

I suppose if we want to be clinical it could be written off as the mechanism of a brilliant mind finally coming to terms with itself, or a means of reconciling maladaptive personality traits by assigning them to people who were already dead.  At any rate, I don’t think this fully describes the scope of what I’ve been through or the uncanny memories I’ve had of at least two lives.

But I had another thought recently.  I had these recollections as an adult, which is an incredibly rare thing.  Usually, the best cases of past life recall are in very young children.  This could simply mean that I’m immature and childlike, but once again the timing suggests to me a different explanation.

What I had in common with a very young child in September 2012 was the fact that I was forming a new personality after my old one, centered around alcohol, guns, homomasculine swagger, and promiscuous sex collapsed under the weight of its own contradictions.  I came to realize I had always been a woman in my inner life, and that the sex and booze were just outlets to let my true, poorly-defined female personality out and keep her trapped in the bedroom.  Like a two-year-old child, I was once again trying to build an adaptive personality from scratch and may have inadvertently accessed past life memories that had been sealed away by an adult personality.

I think to date, this is the only prospect that makes sense: that these memories are at least partly legitimate and that by blasting away twenty-eight years of maladaptive personality, it brought up old wounds that would have stayed hidden and gnawed at me for the rest of my life (which would have been shortened considerably). 

But I wonder, would this have happened at all if I wasn’t transgender?  The thing with gender dysphoria is it always comes to a head, sooner or later.  The male personality you’ve had to learn to fit in starts to suffer as waves of dysphoria get more and more intense over the course of months and years.  Eventually, it starts to collapse, and the facade of everything being OK suddenly starts to tear away painfully.  Getting through the first three years of that was one of the worst experiences of my life, and it prompted me to move to the West Coast, kept me out of a job so that I had to go back to school and focus on my writing, and forced me to seek help because only a psychiatrist could write the letter I needed for hormone supplements.

I wonder sometimes if this wasn’t meant to happen, if I wasn’t born with a male body and a female brain so that I could be shaken into anamnesis of who I was in my past lives (if indeed they are “past” lives).  My writing has improved drastically in a very short time, I’ve become more focused on spiritual matters, and I’ve become less militant and more tolerant in my views.  Did I choose to come back as something difficult to deal with, so that I’d be forced to remember?  If so, it was well-played and if not, then maybe there is a God looking out for me but his touch is light and his footprint is ambiguous.

I may spend the rest of my life trying to figure out where all the pieces go.  All I know is I hit on that all-important rare combination of circumstances that pushed me into a new and strange sort of existence that somehow works for me rather than against me.

For anyone who is suffering from Gender Dysphoria, I have this advice: learn to love your truths.  Seek total honesty with yourself.  Meditate, find comfort wherever you can, and remember that it gets better.  Also, move to a more tolerant community (this is all-important), start as early as you can, be honest with your doctors, and don’t self-medicate; I have never known anyone to transition successfully who bought their own hormone pills online, and if you take these pills without a doctor’s guidance chances are they will kill you.

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