In the Present

I’m at another point where my mind is fixed largely on the present. I suppose it’s not all bad in and of itself, but it seems when my mind is fixed on the present I tend to lose insight and become agitated, fearful, anhedonic, angry, and obsessed with death and destruction.  I also find it hard to be genuine about anything with myself, whether it’s my feelings or my desires, and that tends to complicate things in a very ugly way.

It’s funny… it seems I reflect better on these past life experiences when I’m handling my emotions well than when I’m doing poorly.  It’s almost as though I were healing vicariously through these other lives though that’s only one possible explanation out of many.

The trigger for this was ironically gender-related. Just a random stranger addressing me as “young man” who meant no malice by it, really. I’ve been in rough shape emotionally ever since. Part of the reason it took me so long to recognize that I had gender dysphoria in the first place is my tendency to revert to a state where the only emotion I feel with any clarity is anger and my defenses go up so strongly that I hardly know my own feelings.

Often, gender dysphoria goes unrecognized for what it is because it is a type of dysphoria, the same as you would get with any number of other mental illnesses.  It can be confused with anything from severe depression to borderline personality disorder, and in my case I thought for a long time that I was in the prodromal phase of schizophrenia (that, thankfully, has been ruled out since I’ve never had a true psychotic episode).  A weak or confused sense of self is also part of the gender dysphoria matrix which makes it harder to discern between psychosis, borderline personality, or gender dysphoria and has made it harder to figure out exactly what role these apparent past lives actually play in my identity.

The biggest difference with gender dysphoria, versus other disorders, is that people like me tend to respond well when able to present as a gender other than our biological sex, and I had been doing really well for several months despite some ugliness from family that had my moods lower than they should be.

In some ways, crying over a life I may or may not have lost a little over 99 years ago is preferable to this feeling of being emotionally blocked, angry, and fearful.  At least in that case, I can feel empathy and loss instead of anger, inhibition, and frustration.

Don’t worry too much about me.  I have meds I can take on an as-needed basis to deal with spikes in dysphoria while finalizing my transition.  Still, I find the best medicine is simply being able to be myself for once.

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