While going through my external drive clearing out old files I don’t want/need any more, I found a suicide note I wrote back in 2012.
The note is dated August 24, but the data tags say it was created on August 22. I don’t remember what I did on the 24th.
There’s a very telling paragraph toward the end of the letter that I wanted to share.
“Anyway, even without that nonsense, why would I want to keep living in a world where I can be killed just for who I am? I have a 1 in 5 chance of being the victim of violence as a transwoman. Add to that the inherent health risks of hormones and surgery, and the likelihood that on my income, I’m going to have to delay treatment and work myself into an even worse depression. Your average infantryman in a combat zone has a better chance of surviving 5 years than I do.”
A week or two later, I remembered what it was like to actually be an “average infantryman” in a combat zone when past life memories of the First World War broke through, and believe me sisters, there is no comparison!
That was the beginning of the end for my dread of the future. I learned how to make the most of the present because danger is everywhere, always, for everyone. We might live many lives, but this life is unique and it’s too special to waste on fear. Live in such a way that you could remember this life in a thousand years with pride, and take whatever joys you can because if you die joylessly, whether by suicide, in an act of war, or by forcing yourself to sublimate your will and “fit in,” you won’t be pleased with yourself the next time around.
You hear all about the dangers associated with transitioning but if you let it go to your head, you’re missing out. The misery you face if you go forward is nothing like the misery you’re facing now. It gets better, trust me!
I’m going to save that letter, though it no longer has any purpose except as a reminder of how short-sighted I became right before I made the leap and moved forward. I have no regrets except not doing it sooner.
If anyone here is going through gender dysphoria and needs to talk, I will not turn you away. I may not be able to do much more than give advice or lend an ear, but I won’t ignore you. Comment here or send an email to longlosttommy (atsign) gmail (dot) com and I will gladly take a moment because I’ve been there.
It gets better. Trust me.