Dysphoria Worsening

Friends, it’s time to admit that my gender dysphoria is starting to worsen again.

Right now, I’m broke and torn between using whatever money I can scrape together on electrolysis for my face, which is important to passing, or some amount of surgery, which is becoming increasingly important to me to feel like I’ve finished what I started.

Either way, I’m in a bad state and it’s getting worse.  I’m at about the level of functioning I was at toward the end of 2010, not quite at the low I had hit in 2011-2012.  It will, however, be a long time before I can afford either procedure.

The temptation to step forward and identify myself in a bid for help is immense but I made a promise to someone I cared deeply about in my previous life.  And for what it’s worth, I still care about her.

In the mean time, I have never hoped as fervently in the course of my current life that the quality of my work would speak for itself and that I would sell enough books to be able to afford the cost of what most psychiatrists deem a medical necessity for someone in my position.

As to whether or not this will trigger more memories, my current feeling is that the well is dry but I’m a couple years of hardship from getting to the point I was at in 2012.


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