Childhood Memories

A listen to an interview with Anthony Peake speaking about Philip K. Dick actually triggered some childhood memories for me.

It was when he mentioned that Phil had memories of seeing himself at the foot of his own bed as a child and had seen his childhood self lying there in the exact same moment that some weird thoughts occurred about my childhood.

Once, while waiting on a prescription at a pharmacy, an old woman sat next to me.  She rested her hand on me and started talking to me, asking about what I wanted to do when I grew up and the like.  I could tell she was someone I could trust but at the same time I felt uneasy in that something about her seemed out of place.

After speaking to me for only a few moments, she got up and said to my mother “He’s had trouble in school, hasn’t he?  He’ll be fine though.”  We heard the pharmacist call the name Causey.  My mother later told me she thought this old woman was an angel but I was never so sure.

Assuming the Causey name is an alias (it was a common name in the town we lived in at the time), then is it possible that I, as a fully-transitioned old woman, went back to reassure my 10-year-old, emotionally messed-up kid self?  I know that this old woman-who somehow knew I was in bad shape but I’d turn out OK after only a few moments talking to me and a hand gently on my shoulder- did give me a lot to hope for over the years, but I never once thought that this old woman could have been me, long after healing from my unhappy life as a man…  Until tonight.

It also brought up some other childhood memories.

Once (around 1992 or 1993) I couldn’t sleep owing to the Ritalin they had given me because they figured I had ADD like they did with every other problem child (yep, hopped up on stimulants).  I began to see what looked like small flying saucers landing in the woods behind our house.  In hindsight, it sort of reminds me of the last memory implant they give Quail in “We Can Remember It For You Wholesale” though no, I didn’t get to negotiate a psychic peace treaty with tiny aliens, just watched a light show from my bedroom window.  More likely, it was excited phosphene activity caused by my young neurons firing at twice their normal speed but it might have also made me susceptible to strange thought processes and perceptions later in life.

I also remember a set of wooden letters I had on my wall as a young child.  They were painted periwinkle blue but they didn’t spell out my name, as most children might have on their wall.  Instead, it was my initials at the time, JAH.  I had the word JAH on my bedroom wall for the first 8 or 9 years of my life!

I remember around age 2 or 3, standing in our tiny living room (back then we were living in an apartment in Torrejon, Spain while my father did his tour of duty in Europe).  I just kept saying, over and over “I wanna go home.  I wanna go home.”.  At that time I had no memory of any place but Torrejon since I had moved there at a very young age, so I was home and I knew it (or should have known).  And yet, I remember thinking, “this isn’t right, my home is different” though I had no sense that I lived in a different apartment in California not long ago.  Something about this “home” just wasn’t right to me even though it was the only home I had ever known in this life.

The more I think about it, even though I had no past life memories as a child that anyone knows of, I had a weird, weird childhood with a lot of moments that always left me scratching my head.

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