Sorry for the long hiatus everyone! After finishing a very stressful penultimate term before graduation, I spent a couple of days hardly able to get motivated to do anything, except do a bit of trifling work on an unpublished realistic novel I wrote in 2010 based on my experiences in London.
I’ve made the bold decision- since this particular novel already had facts about my experience in London that I later discovered were related to past lives- to work it into a more complex story based on a fictional account of my last several lives. As for the original text of the story itself, it will be largely recycled. Most of the changes I make will make it more true to what actually happened in London; for instance, in the original story I went to Paris instead of the New Forest during spring break 2005, but the New Forest story adds some much-needed substance to the novel. I can write about that honestly because I was actually there at around that time!
Maybe this blend of realistic picaresque and supernatural freakout themes- something I was trying to achieve in my previous life with “VALIS” but didn’t quite manage to pull off- will at last do what I set out to do as a writer a lifetime ago. I can only hope.
Still, work is going slowly and I’m in rough shape emotionally because I don’t know what to expect after graduating or how I’m going to do in the last classes of my Bachelor’s program after 12 long years of struggling to finish a degree. There were many points in my life where I almost ended up a dropout again, just like I was in my last life, and I am so glad I still have this chance to make up for missed opportunities.
I’m also hoping to get disability for my anxious disposition. My anxiety is a lifelong condition that has made earning a living of any sort painfully difficult, and though this might change for me in 2 or 3 years now that I’ve started getting my life back together, I need time to finish sorting myself out. Worsening my anxiety is the relative difficulty of getting benefits (people who think it’s easy have obviously never applied) and the prospect that wartime austerity budget cuts to fund our upcoming war with Iran (you know that’s what they’re planning) might make this much-needed help entirely out of my reach.
All in all, everything’s holding in stasis, prepped for either a precipitous freefall or a gentle landing after June. I could end up reliving the past in miserable repetition or I could finally lighten my karmic load and achieve my unrealized goals of writing generation-defining novels like Kerouac and Pynchon did while earning a master’s in medieval history. In between there are so many varying shades of success and failure that I cannot fathom what my choices will bring me.
I hope it’s good. I deserve a break.