If I Lose Him…

As I may have mentioned before, I am very much in love with a wonderful man and I have no intention of breaking things off, for any reason.

That being said, life is unpredictable and often cruel. I know that one day, he may be taken away from me and I will suffer greatly.

That day, I’m seriously thinking I ought to renounce the world and turn to a life as an ascetic.  It is for his sake alone that I have decided not to since I do not wish to hurt him by leaving him abruptly and because for good or ill, I’m attached to him and I know it.  Without him, I have no reason not to join whatever contemplative order will have me as I am.

I’m in no  hurry to turn to the life of an ascetic but after some years of consideration, I think it would be right for me.  I feel strongly that I have led a monastic life before and that it was a life I found comfortable.  In this world of buying and selling, of competition, of rank and privilege and idle pursuits, I wither.  Here in Oregon there are some very inclusive Buddhist monasteries that I think might offer the kind of environment where someone like me could flourish.

I regret that I live in an age when nobody gives patronage to hermits or hermitage would be my first choice, in that instance.

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