It’s official, I’m 100% back there now, almost like I was in the months following the first memories. The “past life mood” is here and it’ll probably stay here for a while yet. I’m not skipping WWI-related songs on my mp3 player any more, I’m feeling that strange dissonance between the present and past, between living and dead. Again I’m keenly aware of the passage of time, of the bits and pieces left from all those years ago, noticing the dates on buildings and the like.
It’s a very bittersweet feeling, when I’m like this, to walk out on a sunny day. The warmth of sunlight tells me unambiguously that I’m alive but every color and sound seems exaggerated. It’s been almost two years since I’ve felt it this strong.
The most terrifying thing when I’m like this though, is that John’s life feels more real than this one. This feels like a strange sort of fever dream; now and then I wonder if I’m still there on the battlefield, delirious and bleeding out slowly while my mind treats me to a final light show. But then I test reality and it’s as resilient as ever.
Such a strange feeling. I hope this doesn’t become permanent.