Two Paths

Two paths now lay before me: one of spending my life following my passions and one of sad “almosts.”

If nothing stops me from graduating this summer, I’ll be well on my way to a rewarding career as a historienne or archivist or something of that nature.  I’ll be using the research skills I carved out while trying to track down past lives scattered across hundreds or even thousands of years to actually do practical, paying work.

But I know perfectly well that I have liabilities that could count against me, not least of which is just being who I am.

This is the first life I’ve ever come close to completing any sort of university degree that I am readily aware of.  Not having it in hand leaves me uneasy, anxious, and fearful that my worst qualities will come through and sabotage me once again just like they have so many times across so many lives.  I guess knowing my weaknesses is a mixed blessing if there ever was one because if I was blithely ignorant of them (as I have been in the past) I wasn’t always caught by them, but knowing what they are brings them to the forefront and now I have to actively control them or they will destroy me.

I deserve a break after so long.  I deserve a chance at a good life and I really hope I can stick this out just a little while longer.

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