As many of you know I am a mostly-transitioned MtF transsexual. I mention it often but I don’t often talk about how far along in that aspect of my life I am.
I’ve been much happier living as a woman. If anything, I feel like transitioning male to female has allowed me to grow up finally. In my present life I didn’t want to grow up because I thought growing up meant giving up everything that you ever were and living by someone else’s standards for the rest of your life. This must have been a fear I acquired in a previous life because Phil had it too; maybe it was the intense pressure on the typical Edwardian career soldier to fall into a strict pattern of conformity that did it or maybe the damage was done centuries ago, but I don’t believe it’s unique to this life.
Living the last two years as a woman has taught me that this isn’t true; facing my gender identity taught me that being an adult is really all about recognizing how free you actually are and making the most of it. Total conformity is the path of least resistance, but it isn’t the only way. You can break free and even though it’s a lonely road sometimes, it’s the only road some of us could take before we could learn, grow, and mature the way we needed to.
More than that, I feel like I’m fully-integrated as a woman now. I know cis women who have no idea that I was assigned male at birth. To them I’m just one of the girls and that’s how I like it. I get complimented on my fashion sense and my hair, I get called “ma’am” pretty much 100% of the time, and most of my ID and various accounts have been changed to reflect my new name and gender designation.
That being said, one thing I’m still not happy with is my body. Unfortunately, I have pretty bad body dysphoria and I didn’t realize just how bad it was until, very recently, surgery became an option for me. I had tried to force myself not to want it because I thought it could never be mine, but once the option opened up I felt immediate relief, the sort I hadn’t felt since I got approved for hormones. There is no doubt in my mind that I’m more than happy to go all the way.
Since being made eligible for the Oregon Health Plan this past summer, I have been making the necessary preparations for sex reassignment surgery. It is a long, drawn-out process and it’s been complicated by bureaucratic hurdles and long waiting lists, but I’m finally in the home stretch. I had my consultation for surgery a few days ago, I’m getting the final necessary prep done, and I hope to have my surgery some time in the next year if all goes well.
Incidentally, during the consultation with the surgeon I discovered something else about myself: I’m ever so slightly intersex. It’s barely noticeable but it’s there. The fact is, I was never entirely male to begin with in this life and now I know, without a shadow of a doubt, that it isn’t all in my head.