I’m already in an agitated state, due largely to the looming deadline for my grad school application, the GRE exam which is heavy on math (which I’m terrible at), and the fact staying in touch with the professors who offered to write me letters of recommendation is like herding cats.
Then a power transformer blew last night, VERY close to my apartment. That did it. Shaking hands, hypervigilance, and trying my damnedest to keep my mind in the present so that I didn’t slide back to 1915 again.
This is getting really frustrating. I thought I was over this shit! I was doing so well for so long and now it seems my nerves are so raw that I’m living in the shadow of what happened back then.
Took some anxiety meds tonight. I have some stuff that I can take as needed and although I haven’t been taking it very often because it knocks me out and makes me useless for about a day, I don’t need to be on edge like this any more. It’s wearing down my body and mind. It’s not doing me any good; I keep reminding myself that I don’t have to be listening to every little sound and creak, or awake and alert and ready to respond to anything but every attempt to reason it away just meets with a brick wall of instinct. Just waiting for the pills to kick in; God, I hope they work! They’re over a year old now.