Things are moving ahead, and the professor who was taking a while on his letter of recommendation may be starting that process finally. At least, after I acted as a go between with him and the history department, things started moving forward!
If I have his letter, then that’s the last of it. The finishing touch on a really excellent application. I’ve got the GPA, the test scores, and the writing samples to show that I’m a capable historian and able to use a vast array of resources for a variety of different research tasks.
My qualifications are absolutely sterling…
..so why do I still find myself crippled by worry that it won’t be enough?
It seems I’ve had that happen a few times in my life: people glibly said “try your best” and my best was not hard enough. But lately, I’ve had some modest successes as both a writer and an academic; these are not resounding successes but I feel like I’m chipping away a niche for myself, slowly but surely.
Still, old failures haunt me. Mainly, it’s my present life that’s been heavy on my mind. I had a lot of missed opportunities and I took a lot of things for granted. But my biggest regret is not applying myself as a historian before, because I figured there’d be “no money in that.” I should have just forged ahead! I should have known how important it would become in my life! Hindsight nags at me like a rabid hound.
I just want to know that my present life is going somewhere. Ne frustra vixisse videar.