The thing that no one ever tells you about making a famous past life claim is that when you mention it in public, it’s bound to overshadow any other past life claims you might have.
I began this blog as a journal of my recollection and recovery from a life on the Western Front in 1915 that came to a very violent end. At the time I didn’t even realize I had memories of a life after that (in fact I had assumed that I simply “slept” for the better part of 69 years before coming back in mid-1984).
Dealing with one past life became an excercise in making sense of it in the context of several other lives that came to light. Phil just happened to be one of them. But the more I learned about Phil, the more I became convinced that if I dug deeper into his life I’d find the key to everything. And just like everything else past life related, I duly recorded it here in as much detail as I could think to record, hoping to turn this into an extension of my past life’s exegesis.
I no longer think the key is there. All I can gather is that if I was him, my experiences in 1974 either never really happened (since I have no memory of them) or I was too ambitious in my interpretation of what they meant. I also learned just how deeply flawed I was as a person in that life, and still am in this life. I grant you, there’s still a lot of good there. I just wasn’t the prophet people made me out to be.
Dealing with all this has been frustrating and exhausting. Nobody I knew would ever believe me, so I’m having to come to terms with the fact that any apology I could make now for not being the husband and father I wanted to be would be too little too late and I’d inevitably get treated like a psycho for even bringing it up.
I also proved that I’m a better writer than I was. My attempt to knock out something like I wrote back in ’63 or ’64, a trippy sci-fi novel about 60k words long, took longer to complete (9 months from the first page of the first draft to publication) but it was also much more refined than what I was churning out back then. It also had a much more British flavor (flavour?) that made it feel more like Neville Shute. My friend who is open-minded about my experience but remains skeptical about reincarnation says I’m selling myself short to compare my work to Phil’s and I’m inclined to agree.
Furthermore, for what it’s worth, I feel closer to my WWI life than I do to Phil. I can talk about Phil more easily in the third person than I can with Jack. I remember more of Jack’s life and I remembered it sooner. I feel more at home in England than I do on the West Coast of the US (though I do like it here on the West Coast). I feel closer in every respect to Jack and I feel the loss of that life much more in the long run even if I did feel some sense of loss for my life as Phil. And I still cry for Jack’s mother. I was born having cried all I’m ever going to cry for Phil’s mother (not to seem cold; I simply made peace with that in my last life).
That’s why I kept this blog up and why I intend to keep updating here until I can at least say my goodbyes to Jack, and possibly to England. But I’ve already put Phil to rest. I already said my goodbyes to that life last summer.
That’s why I’m troubled about what to do about all these posts on my blog about Phil that seem to be getting so many views that it’s really overshadowing my whole intention behind starting this blog in the first place. “I want to know” and “The Mysterious Jeanette Marlin” seem especially popular. On the one hand I’m not monetized on this blog (and never will be), so I have nothing to gain by keeping them up. On the other hand, I feel like if I delete them it will seem as if I haven’t got the courage to stand by my claims. I do. I consider it pretty likely I was him. I just don’t want them to overshadow what this blog was about in the first place.
The war really hurt, it tore a deep psychic gash in my being that has lasted for more than a century across several lifetimes. Phil was only one part of that story. Now I want to finish that story by going back to the beginning of that disturbance and making peace with what happened in France all those years ago. And I invite the reader to join me moving forward with that rather than dwelling on posts about a life that I no longer feel needs any attention.