Still Here

I’ve been at something of a loss for what to post here. I’ve made a few political/conspiratorial rants that I never posted because I knew I was just filling a void with empty words.

Losing out on grad school, with no clear path forward yet, stings on a level I have a hard time articulating.  The day I got the letter I cried the way a little child cries after losing a favorite pet, wailing and flailing.  I was moments from hanging myself when my fiance got home that afternoon.  I don’t remember ever being this hurt before.

I’m alternating now between numbness and intense sorrow.  The urge to go back to drinking is strong; in fact it’s an act of immense will not to buy a bottle of Rex Goliath to cry into.  I’m dissociating/ derealizing on a regular basis, something I haven’t done since before my transition.

I have little energy.  I’m trying to keep some semblance of a normal life but my reserves of energy aren’t there and I find I have to sleep more.  My ankles and wrists are swelling, and I’m often short of breath with very little exertion.  My heart is skipping beats more often too.  This is the most intensely physical grief I have ever felt.

I do believe if my cat -who is 18 and slowing down significantly- were to die on me now, I’d quite literally die of a broken heart.  And in truth, I can’t say I’m all that bothered by the idea of exiting this life by natural causes.

I can at least promise I won’t try suicide.  I can’t promise to put up much struggle if death comes calling, though.

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