Night Terrors

A while ago, in fact a day before finishing my screenplay, I ran out of weed and decided not to use any more until I’ve taken an honest attempt at fixing my myriad emotional problems.

I grant you, the weed didn’t make things worse; in fact it caused an uptick in creativity, raised my GPA slightly, and generally provided a band-aid for me while I made do with the situation I was in.  But my situation changed after graduation, and I’ve decided to deal with the problems I couldn’t deal with at the PSU clinic (for a number of reasons) head-on before lighting up again.

Unfortunately, this means re-awakening the monsters that the weed subdued.  Fear, rage, negativity, violent thoughts, and perhaps worst of all the night terrors.

I don’t know when they started.  I know that the weed didn’t cause them though.  They became an issue when I moved in with my fiance and stopped sleeping alone, about 20 months before my first experience with cannabis, though I suspect that I’ve had them longer.

It always takes the form of someone watching me while I try to sleep or relax, and me acting out the reaction.  Sometimes it’s just talking, sometimes I wake up screaming, and sometimes I end up kicking and punching.  The last one is the worst, since I usually feel terrible because I end up hitting my fiance in my sleep and I can’t help it.

I don’t know what caused them exactly.  It could be any number of things in my present life or, worse, it could be past-life related.  I have an awful feeling that what I’m re-living is something that happened in 1915 that I only half remember.

I’m in therapy now, and I’m scheduled for a sleep study finally after years of waiting, but I have had so little success with these problems in the past.  I just want to have a real life.  I’m so sick of being crippled by problems that no one can see.  They’ve been with me most of my life, perhaps even multiple lives.

Will I ever be free?

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