Even though I’ve stopped marking anniversaries, even though I hardly ever post here, it’s still there.
I realized that as hard as I’d been trying to screen out any and all thoughts of the war, it still affects me on a subconscious level. I still have a hard time seeing myself living very long beyond middle age. I still get an intense, uneasy feelings when I see the moon through poplar trees or the wind blows just right, or I hear an explosion without warning. I still wake up screaming some nights, thinking I’m being watched while I sleep. I still get intense panic attacks without warning. I still see nothing but death, destruction, and apocalyptic battles when I consider the future. And while maybe some of this comes from stuff that happened in my current life, 31 1/2 years in my current shell can’t tell the whole story.
I also get incredibly agitated this time of year. It’s just a little over 101 years since the Second Battle of Ypres and it’s still there, no matter how hard I try not to think about it.
I just want some peace. I want to live with some joy and hope, not constantly in the grip of several lifetimes’ worth of fear.