Still Here

Just a quick note to say I’m still here.

Writing has been something of a chore lately.  Having a hard time seeing my present life come to anything but a bad end.

I keep having the vivid mental image of being murdered or executed for ideological reasons.  It doesn’t help that this is both a carry over from my last life and a very real possibility.

I’ve never lived past 60 in any life I can recall.  And in the past life I recall most readily, I was dead at 38.

Sometimes I wonder, why don’t I give up having any sort of convictions and just party until it kills me? But then I remember that I already tried that (in this life and the last) and it was too painful to continue after a while.  Constant pleasure destroys your ability to feel anything but boredom and before you know it, you’re living with drug dealers and can’t trust the people in your own home.  I don’t want to go back to that.

I need something to make the time I’ve got meaningful.  Maybe I have that a little in the church but I’m always left wondering if my service there will matter as the whole world is heaving around me.  In some ways, my drive to self-sacrifice – the one that got me killed in 1915- never went away.  Part of me longs to throw myself into the “good fight,” even though I should know the futility of that notion by now.

I need to bring these competing drives to peace within me or my own inner conflict might kill me first.






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