Holding It Together

As much as I’m dreading going back into the workforce, it isn’t the worst that can happen.

All things considered, I’m really wrong to base my worries on past experience because as rough as the last five years have been, they’ve taught me so much about life and so much about myself.  The last time I had a regular job, I was a different person who only had a vague idea of why I was so unhappy.

Coming to terms with past lives is only part of that.  I hadn’t had several years to reckon with my current life’s gender dysphoria and discover that I was capable of doing things socially as a woman that I had immense difficulty with as a man.  For all my wavering on gender, my overall confidence has grown immeasurably once I had real success transitioning; I credit that change with landing me the job in the first place.

Still, I can’t deny that I’m intimidated.  Twice bitten thrice shy, you might say.  I’m moving into terra incognita here, completely unsure of the future because I have no frame of reference.

It will be such a relief not to be constantly policing my every word and action, though.  And if my performance in my last few terms at Portland State is any indication, the sum of my experiences will make a world of difference.

Also, it will be very nice to have some money to enjoy my time off.  Arkansas wasn’t my favorite place, but at least I had some nice mountains to get lost in when life got me down and enough money to go for long drives in the Ozarks and Ouachitas; in Oregon, I’ve got mountains and coast that put any other place I’ve lived to shame.

But it won’t be enough to tell myself everything will work out; I’m too stubborn for that.  I’ll have to see for myself.

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