Ever Closer

As of today, I am formally recognized as a lay server in a Gnostic church. This is the entry level of minor orders and the first step on the path to priesthood.

This has been a really fascinating journey so far, and yet it’s only just beginning.  I still have many years of service before I can enter the higher orders of the church.

After I had taken communion, I had a vision of millions of candles all lit around the world; they weren’t lit for me, but for the Church Universal, which is greater than any building, denomination, even greater than Christendom.  They were the candles of every thoughtful, joyful, hopeful, and compassionate soul that was praying to something higher than its own ego.

It’s funny; for most of my life I never really felt the need to be part of something bigger than myself. But the deep and personal understanding that I already am, and have been since long before the day my thread of consciousness first differentiated itself from the Pleroma, really puts everything in a new light.

I still get upset, impatient, irritable, angry, and all these things that come with ego; but that ego seems to be less in conflict with the bigger picture, and I find that life has become objectively easier since I started paying attention to how pointless it was to be itching for a fight all the time.

And deep below it all, running like a river of light, there’s a thread of timelessness that I feel in every act, every swing of the censer, every hymn that is not laced with glibness and legalism, to the dawn-land where ancient myrtles grow in the place of cold stone war memorials.  I have seen that land beyond sight once in my present life, in a dream I have spoken of often, and now it no longer feels so painfully far away.

In me now, the myrtle grows.

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