Today, I took communion on the 101st anniversary of the end of the life I once lived as John William “Jack” Harris.
The service wasn’t for him really; it was a practice mass to get me ready for this coming Sunday, when I’ll be serving at the altar for the first time in our church.
All the same, I was very grateful to have some way to spend that day other than ruminating. And I’m happy to say that I’ve really begun to properly heal.
It’s strange really. That was more than a century ago, but I carried that hurt deep within me in some inaccessible place for so long. And now, a little less than four years after it all came back to me, I’m starting to finally recover.
My psyche is almost as “normal” and “well-adjusted” as it’s been in hundreds of years. I’m not subject to wild ups and downs any more. I still get anxious and depressed but I don’t get white-hot rage any more, and my derealized states, like I had in this life and my last one, have become less and less common. I still get panic attacks every now and then, but I haven’t really had one since my job situation stabilized nor do I really expect to, unless I have a major trigger.
I’m finally getting on alright. I suppose it’s never too late to heal a very old wound.
I still have one last act on this journey. I still want to travel to Europe and see the places I saw during the war as they are today. I want to put the cold hard fact that it was over a century ago and subjective experience of actually being there together at last. I want to attend the Last Post at Ypres in particular.
When I do finally go back to Europe to put that business behind me, I might end this blog, or I might keep it. I suspect I will remember other lives in time, or confirm other details, so it wouldn’t make sense to delete it or shut it down completely. It will be a turning point in the life of this blog, though, and it will be an ending of sorts.
I haven’t decided if I’m going to chronicle my journey into Gnostic priesthood here or if I’m going to start another blog. I suppose I’ll give it some thought. It is, after all, a continuation of the path I’ve been on.