Some Days…

Some days it feels so surreal to have a calm, easy job with very little danger.

Some days I feel like I just got back from a war that ended 98 years ago, and that the life I’m living now is a strange, jarring adjustment even though I can recall everything that led up to this point in my life.

It’s as if I’m simultaneously aware of the intervening 101 years since his death and yet still dealing with the fallout from the war as if I only found out what happened four years ago; like that part of myself had been unconscious, unrecognized, and unable to begin healing until that terrifying moment when it all came screaming out of the blue like a whizz-bang.

There’s no resources for people like me.  The few counselors and psychiatrists I’ve talked to are stumped.  I’m not psychotic and in all likelihood, not fantasy-prone.  At least, fantasy-prone people don’t read as classic PTSD cases to complete strangers.  I do.  I have had several people- some doctors, some PTSD sufferers themselves- recognize those features in me without being told about them.  I had some pretty bad anxiety before, but I never actually had a real, honest-to-God panic attack until those memories broke.

Whatever happened- whether it was a self-inflicted mindfuck or a genuine recollection of a past life- it seemed very real to me and it’s had many of the same effects you’d expect of having a genuine memory of this nature.  All I need is for someone to recognize that whatever it is, I’m hurting and the pain is real.  Some days it feels mercifully far away but all it takes is a single explosion or a strong whiff of chlorine and it’s back.

I keep hoping that one day, some outside-the-box therapist or doctor will see this blog and take me as a patient, charge free.  All I can pay is my story and a case that’s so unique it could be a case study for years.  I need someone who is willing to go the extra mile to really understand what’s going on, who will read my books, listen to every little story, and look at the big picture to try to make me whole again.  I keep hoping and praying you’re out there but so far, nobody has come forward.

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