First, a thought on past lives: what I did in prior lifetimes does matter, but castigating myself for it is unhelpful. I need to back off the need to justify my existence by joining some noble struggle. I need to really accept that existing passively is a valid option; in fact that’s kind of what Buddha taught. Karma is as much the ripples from the stones you cast as it is your tendency to cast stones in the first place; if the ripples bother you, better to cast no stones. It isn’t easy once you’ve developed that habit, but it is perfectly within your free will as a thinking, feeling being to change your habits.
In other words, I guess I’m back, and I guess I’ve overcome my hangups regarding thinking of past lives.
Also, I’m getting married!!!
I wanted to wait until I could afford a proper wedding, but owing to concerns about the legal status of a marriage between a cis man and a transgender woman in the coming administration, my fiance and I have decided to have a small, low-key ceremony to make it official and then have a proper ceremony for our family and friends when time and money permit.
We’ve been together for 11 years and we’ve been living under the same roof for 8 years. I think at this point we’re not budging as a couple.
My first and hopefully only marriage in my present life is scheduled for December 18. It will be exclusive to ourselves, our bishop, and three friends (two witnesses+one backup in case one of the witnesses doesn’t show).
I still can’t believe I’ve found a man that puts up with someone as neurotic as me. Relationship-wise, I don’t know if I’ve ever had it this good. I had six divorces in my last life, a sweetheart who ended up marrying my brother after I got myself killed in France in the life before that, and no memories of any lasting relationship before that. In fact more often than not, I’ve been a pretty hapless lover.
I had one life when I know for a fact I was in a stable, lifelong relationship but it was more than 800 years ago and I sadly remember nothing of my life with Ela of Salisbury (though I wish I did). But even that was something more of a business arrangement; I married her mainly because she came with the Earldom of Salisbury as a dowry and any affection we had was something we cultivated as a means of meeting the commitments that married life implied.
I’m in completely different territory here. My life in the 21st century seems to be a combo breaker in many different ways. It’s proof that for all the similarities in character and personality I have to my prior lives, I’m still my own person. And that’s good. It means I don’t have to be a slave to the past.