Something I Noticed

I’ve noticed a pattern in my life that may be down to the deeper karmic struggle within me.

I have two conflicting tendencies within me.  One is profoundly spiritual, ascetic, unconcerned with politics, and very much in touch with my emotions.  That’s the side of me that feels more “right.”  It’s the side that comes out when I make whatever modest progress on my transition I can, the side that comes out when I’m happy and well-balanced and not falling back into anxiety and depression as I often do.

But I also have another side that is stuck in a very temporal mindset, where I am unable to see anything past the next few seconds of time.  It’s a side of me that is both highly political and extremely militant about it.  It’s a side of me that feels like the church is a bubble, a waste of time, and unrelatable.  But it’s also the side of me that most questions my decision to transition, in no small part because it’s the side of me that doesn’t trust emotions.

Lately I’m feeling well enough to feel like transitioning was the right decision, but not well enough to be completely okay with focusing on the church.  I’m still longing for a big struggle, still longing to throw myself into the fray and give my life for something or other and all of that same business I’ve been going on about for the last few centuries.

I just want to be me, all the time, and not have to keep falling back on this anxious distrust of everything I am.

I will be able to see a medication provider (my crap public health insurance won’t pay for a real psychiatrist) some time in April.  I’m thinking of going back on Bupropion, which seemed to even me out emotionally back when I was a teenager.  I’ve been irritable and emotionally dysregulated for so long that I don’t know if it will work any more, but after some conversations with a friend at my church who is also an addiction counselor, it seems my dopamine regulation is a bit off and it wouldn’t hurt to try an SNRI again.  I’ve had no luck with SSRIs but SNRIs seem to help.

Only thing is, Bupropion means even a single beer (I seldom drink more than that) would put me at risk for seizures.  I’m not sure I’ll be too pleased with that since I live in one of America’s great microbrew capitals.

I’m willing to try it though. I’ve had a rough time these last few years.


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