Personal Update

I haven’t really made a long post about how I’m doing in a while so I thought I’d check in.

I’m recovering from years of tough breaks, but I still have a long way to go.

I still intend to try Wellbutrin again and try to get my life into some semblance of order, if life will let me. Right now I’m terrified that I won’t be able to afford meds for some reason or another (insurance might not cover it because OHP’s mental health coverage is SHIT).

The more I read, the more I think the “flat” feeling I had when I was on meds in high school was from the seroquel and, more importantly, the Prozac. I do poorly on SSRIs; it was only when an NRI was added that I really stabilized and began to reach something like my full potential.

And thinking objectively about how well I was doing in high school, I’m capable of much more than I’m doing now and I know it. Going off meds was the first time I felt “real,” emotionally speaking, and I did well for a while, but I burned out around age 23 and I’ve never been quite right since.

There has to be some way I can regain my footing without losing the depth and complexity of emotion that I’ve come to enjoy in my years off medication, though I’m afraid there won’t be.

I think being able to use seroquel as needed wasn’t the best course, but it’s still good at stopping the feedback loop in its tracks and resetting things. Right now I need someone new to manage that medication because the clinic I’ve been getting my prescriptions from (the one that manages my HRT, albeit badly) fucked up the prior authorization with insurance, then turned around and said it was the pharmacy’s fault.

When I see the medication specialist (not a real psychiatrist because insurance won’t pay for that, but an NP licensed to dispense prescriptions), I’ll tell them I want them to manage all my psych meds and I’ll take Wellbutrin daily with a seroquel if I really need it.

If and when I can get on meds, I’ll go through voc rehab and see if I can’t get matched to something. Granted, my last stint with them saw me waiting a year and a half without progressing to the job placement phase, which is SUPPOSED to take about 6 months. I’ll try to search for jobs on my own, too.

Another thing I realized is that I have an issue that I need to revisit: my sense of impermanence and how it keeps me from living in the moment.

It’s been a hellish problem for me for so long. I think I first noticed it around age 6 or 7, at that age when children really start hearing relatives talk about how fast they’re growing and how good-looking they’ll be when they grow up.

But I liked being a child. I liked not having to worry about bills and groceries and having a nice, safe home and people to take care of me. I liked my room full of toys, with my Fisher Price globe on my desk, and my nice set of Children’s Encyclopedia Britannica that took pride of place on top of it. I had it all; toys to play and a space to work, writing, drawing, and reading, a big back yard to explore, friends to play with, so much spare time, and someone to drive me everywhere I needed to go. Why would I be happy about growing up?

And so the knowledge that my childhood wouldn’t last forever loomed over me, and honestly sucked a lot of the enjoyment I had out of childhood. The knowledge that one day I would also die just added brief but intense dissociative “shudders” of existential terror to the mix (I still have them in my more anxious moments).

This sense of impermanence crept into subtle things, too. I hated getting balloons; it wasn’t any personal dislike of balloons but instead, it was the fact that I liked them too much. When they rose into the air never to be seen again, or rotted away in the corner of my room above the toy box, or popped because i was enjoying them too much, it only reminded me how impermanent they were and I could no longer enjoy them because I knew it would only end in tears.

I saw this dynamic again my cat got older. He wasn’t properly terminal until some time last year, but by then I had already cried so much for him because I knew my friend was getting old. I guess in the end I dealt with it more maturely, by turning my last years caring for him into something bittersweet, but if I’d been able to live in the moment we could have saved the bittersweet stuff for later. Much later.

I really need to work on living in the moment. Not being able to do that is really letting me down. It’s something I haven’t had in my life since I was old enough to really conceptualize the future on a basic existential level.

I know there’s got to be a better life than this. I have skills, I have talents, I know so many things, I have a degree, I have an amazing, unique perspective. I have so much to give and I’ve been held back so badly by my own limitations. I just want to make good in this world. I just want to catch enough of a break that I can properly help myself.

I have a GoFundMe for my mental health, by the way. I may still need money because I don’t know how far I’ll get with the scant coverage I’m getting.  I don’t want to post the link here because I don’t want this blog linked directly to my name, but my identity isn’t exactly a secret so if anyone wants to help, send me an e-mail on the form on my “about” page and I’ll reply with a link to the GoFundMe.


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