A little more than 40 hours after my last dose, and I feel amazing!
If I don’t crash before I see the NP who prescribed the pills, I’ll be in great shape.
Even if I do crash, I have the option of trying a smaller dose. I was on 150mg of Wellbutrin XL once daily; my only worry is that even 100mg of standard Wellbutrin might be too much for me.
I’m starting to think that maybe the problem isn’t that antidepressants don’t work, but that the vast majority of people are being overdosed to boost profits for the pharmaceutical industry.
It helps that I’ve had three very good things happen in the last 18 hours. I got word yesterday that a short story I had written was recently included in an anthology. It’s not a big paycheck, but it’s a publishing credit. My EBT was increased by more than $50, meaning my husband and I can eat healthier which will no doubt help me pick up the pace so we can get off EBT. I also made a small but important step in my transition, with my court date for a gender change order to amend my birth certificate (literally the last piece of documentation I need to complete a full social transition).
I also have to take my own history into account. I’m a lifelong depressive but I’m also immensely resilient. It helps that I’ve had 13 years of learning to cope the hard way. There seems to be some truth in Nietszche’s adage that “that which does not kill me will only make me stronger.” I’ve been kicked hard by this condition but I feel like I’m winning the battle for once.
Even though this attempt may not be a lasting success, I suddenly have great hope that my depression might be fairly easy to treat with very little effort. If I can continue feeling this good I’ll hit my stride as a writer for sure.
It has been very rare for me to feel this good in this life or in any life in the last century. If I get my depression and anxiety under control I’ll be back to where I was before the war, two lifetimes ago. The wounds of the past will always be there but I feel like it is possible to heal and have a real life untroubled by these ghosts.