I guess I’m still trying to figure out what my role in all this mess lately is. I’ve gone back and forth on the value of following the life plans I made before the election. I guess the biggest question of all is, am I doing my part? Am I living in such a way that the best outcome will result from my actions?
I worry that the things I want to achieve- making a name for myself as a novelist, entering the priesthood, and earning some recognition as a historian- are a distraction. I’ve been mainly in crisis mode since the election, assuming that normal life was effectively over and that a sense of normalcy amounted to complacency. And so I’ve been breathlessly keeping up-to-date on every detail of this trainwreck trying not to become complacent, searching frantically for my opening to make the biggest difference I can when the chips are down.
I’ve always been this way. The irrepressible urge to do the right thing is something deep and karmic within me that’s been a part of my character for many lifetimes, though this drive to do my part is as much a virtue as a weakness. The most valuable lesson I’ve learned in the last few years is that idealistic people like me can sometimes make bad decisions when determined to do the right thing. It’s a quirk of the personality type. Some of the decisions I’ve made came back to haunt me in a big way.
So part of me has this drive to do the right thing, and part of me is always second-guessing if anything I’m doing is ever right because I know that I don’t always make the best decisions. The result is a tremendous existential angst, as you might imagine. Since the election I’ve been neck-deep in existential angst.
I’m mired in a vicious cycle. I’ll fall completely out of love with the things I’m doing because I feel like I should be doing more. Then I reel myself back in and rededicate myself to the path I chose and trust that if I ever am needed to do more, I’ll know. But the cycle goes round many times, and I end up feeling lost because of it.
I’m just trying to find some ground to stand on so that I don’t get sucked back into that cycle again. Don’t get me wrong though. Even if I go through with the life I planned for myself, I’ll be a Friar Tuck to the next Robin Hood any day. I just don’t want to keep living my life worried whether or not it’s the right time. I want to trust that I’ll know when the time comes.