I think as for getting through surgery itself, I’m mostly just proud.

When it comes to the slow process of healing, add in frustration.

When it comes to the future beyond healing, add a touch of dread.

When it comes to the seismic shift in beliefs and priorities, I feel lost.

Strange as it sounds I feel like I’ve become agnostic again and I don’t understand why. It wasn’t just disabusing myself of some of my weirder beliefs, it’s more than that and I can’t put a finger on what exactly it is.

Maybe I just want to break with the last 7 or 8 years completely. Or maybe the mystical side of me was driven by dysphoria that just isn’t there any more. I really wish I could go somewhere and meditate on this.

It seems like if I think about anything these days, it’s getting a good job and securing a material existence. But it’s weird because it feels like I’ve entered a world of beige after living in a world of endless color.

Maybe beige was all there ever was.

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