The trouble with experiencing something that is beyond the power of language to describe is once you lose the emotional impression of that experience, it’s gone. You can’t record it in any way that you can relive it.

Once I thought I had seen the traces of something ineffable. You can call it God if you want. It doesn’t matter though. It slipped away and I am left only with the memory of the most superficial aspects of my epiphany, recorded in my fiction, this blog, and my private notes.

I feel the absence of something bigger than just religion. I always saw religion as an imperfect but moderately effective way to reconnect with that wholeness in a symbolic language. But without that intuitive connection to Pleroma it means nothing to me.

I have felt so lost and desolate for months and I can’t for the life of me tell you what I miss.

And I am buried in life’s troubles now without that light. The worldly pain is stronger. The worldly loneliness gnawing. The worldly needs more consuming. The world I took for illusions now tightens its grasp on me and I can’t weep for paradise because I don’t remember it.

אלהי אלהי למא שבקתני.