Small things are trickling in, lessening my doubts. Nothing about Jack though with some reflection I still have more than enough of him left in my personality.
I have been feeling some resonance with James, the mid-19th century sailor who lived in times of civil unrest and may have been at the Paris Commune. Recently the name James Hague (another J.H.) came to me in a dream but I can’t find any record of him on Findagrave or Billion Graves.
A couple weeks ago I was watching a video about sailing ships with my good friend (the girl I used to date and am still thankfully very close to). I noticed the tassels on the back of a ship’s sails and said “wait a sec, those are called ‘telltales,’ aren’t they?” A brief web search confirmed it. But this could be cryptomnesia.
I also discovered that an ocean liner from James’ time, the SS Great Britain, still exists albeit as a static display. I really want to see it if it’s ever safe to go to the UK (my friends there, who I’ve known many years and trust more than a stranger’s word, advise me it isn’t, between coronavirus, civil unrest, and rampant transphobia).
There’s also a glimmer, shockingly enough, of Phil’s life coming through but not in any predictable way. It wasn’t something prophetic or profound that relates somehow to our current moment; it was something childish and sweet.
I have this mental image of a green field in a park somewhere. There’s a hill, tall but round and inviting. All around children are flying kites. It’s a happy place, one I think I’ve seen in dreams.
Southern California has several such parks with hills ideal for kite flying. Perhaps Phil took his son there once? Or perhaps this was just my imagination being latched onto a real place.
That hill is very much on my mind tonight, while I pace the bowels of a factory watching for fires that will, in all likelihood, never come. It’s a sense of sehnsucht, not for something long ago and far away, but something near and recent. And that’s a very different feeling than I usually get about past life stuff.
I still hold doubt like a shield but I am willing to look at things that come my way and maybe start recording them again instead of pretending they’re nothing and hoping they go away.