Getting Help

Reincarnation is not possible. It is a delusion.

The fact that I try to tell myself that every day while being dogged by persistent feelings and false memories is proof that I am ill.

I’m going to keep trying to get help. My doctors never took this seriously but I will keep trying.

Letting Go

After years of skipping all the WWI era songs on my MP3 player, I simply deleted them. I have them on my computer if I ever really want to hear them but odds are I won’t.

I feel like the memories are losing their sting at last. Maybe I’ll feel it again but I’m in no hurry. Life has changed. I feel alive for once and I’m thankful for it. Life feels less like a prison now as the memories of that far-off time become less and less a feature of my existence.

Maybe one day I’ll still go to Flanders and make one last gesture of farewell. But I can’t put my life on hold for that. I am not John William Harris. Maybe some part of me once was but it’s all just memories and habits.

I’m forging a life now. Hopefully the kind of life Jack could only have dreamed of. I have mountains, forests, and miles upon miles of rivers and oceans to weave a new tapestry of memories. Good memories.

And one day, hopefully when I am very old, I will be buried here in Oregon. And there will be no sobbing over that grave from my future self over a life squandered, only the gentle songs of scrub jays.

Always A Bit Weird

Always a bit worrying when I see a spike in views on a blog that is now half-extinct.

A couple days ago there were 66 views on my blog, almost all of them from the UK.

I immediately wonder, who’s there and why? And what the brief but intense spike in activity actually meant?

Part of the reason I’ve kept this blog going is because this corner of the Internet is quiet. But I know how easy it is to attract too much of the wrong kind of attention. At any rate my need to talk about these things is not so great that I’d press on any further if I were becoming some kind of side show. I said pretty much all I needed to say about the topics involved and the event I wanted to get closure with never materialized, so it’s no big loss to me if I have to call it done. I guess I’m only keeping this alive out of some hope that I will get to Flanders after all.

It’s Official…

I’m in a polyamorous relationship with my husband and now a girlfriend, something I never thought would happen.

It happened quite by accident too. The plan was to have a roommate, not a girlfriend. But we hit it off, things happened, and my husband warmed up to the idea when I made it clear I was not going to sacrifice his love for anything.

I guess it stands to reason, but this proves I’m at least somewhat bisexual. The intimacy she and I share is very different, though, and we both have strong inclinations toward men. Still, I find myself falling for her with little reservation. I see a lot of myself in her and she sees much of herself in me.

It’s funny, I often write books with characters stumbling into polyam relationships but never thought it would happen that way for me. I feel doubly blessed even if I’m still keeping it low-key for now.

Like my husband, I don’t think she and I crossed paths in another life. I strongly suspect (for reasons only she and I know) that her most recent lives were probably in Russia or Germany. If I was ever in Russia it was a very long time ago and I have no clear memory.

Frankly, I don’t care. I’m twice-lovestruck here and now and loving every minute.


Why Is This Thing Still Going?

Honestly, why is this blog still going?

I guess I was keeping it on life support until I could get back to Flanders and get some closure. But I doubt that’s going to happen.

I’m wasting my time. This is garbage. I can’t keep bellyaching about something that happened more than a century ago. I’ve got problems here and now. Yeah, it would be nice to go back. I wish I could. But you know what? Shit in one hand and wish in the other. See which one gets full.

I can’t put my life on hold for the frivolous luxury of a trip to Europe that will in all likelihood never come. This blog is less a part of me now than it ever has been. I almost never talk about past life stuff any more.

I don’t know if I can hang it up though. Maybe it’s an old habit that’s tough to break.

Will We Eat Children Next?

I don’t post my political speculations here often because they’re most likely too wild for you guys, but recent developments have been beyond sickening. And the more I think about the implications, the more disgusted I get.

As many of you know upwards of 1500 children detained by ICE have gone missing, many of them sold to sex traffickers.

I recently had a horrifying thought: What if the rest were sold for their meat?

Normally I would think such a concern was batshit, but as bad as things are, I fear there is no such thing as too low. After all, if you’d sell a child to a pimp, you’d sell them to a butcher, right? Maybe it’s time we start examining the supply chains of the food we’re eating for evidence of cannibalism. Just in case.

But this is an extreme statement, isn’t it? A hot take? A provocative statement that doesn’t stand to reason? Even the Nazis didn’t sell people for meat! They did awful things but they didn’t do that! But you know what? I’m pretty sure the Nazis didn’t sell children to sex traffickers either. Maybe they did but it’s not something I’m aware of. So we can establish that this government is possessed of a depravity beyond that of the Third Reich. There is no bottom any more; they’ll do anything for a buck.

And guess what? SESTA has made it easier for those human traffickers to hide! The bill that was supposed to prevent human trafficking has, in fact, forced the industry into the underworld where it already had a sizable presence. You can still buy slaves on the Dark Web.

So not only did they sell children to traffickers, they also passed bills to make it easier for the crooks to get away with it. And lest we forget, SESTA had resounding bipartisan support. Perhaps one or two out-of-touch idiots voted for it thinking it was an altruistic measure but how many of them voted for it knowing FULL WELL it would benefit the child sex trade? To quote Cicero, Cui Bono? Who benefits?

Again, I say, why wouldn’t they stoop lower? Why wouldn’t they try to trick us into cannibalism? Can you look at the stark facts of this situation and tell me with a straight face we’re not well on our way toward eating children?