I’m trying to clear my head of any and all expectations, assumptions, and preconceptions before I get to Marin County.
Now, granted, that’s quite impossible to do completely, but it’s helpful to remind myself that most of my case for having been Phil is a handful of memories, some very minor synchronicities, a similarity of body and being that is consistently “a little more than halfway” to quote my father, and the rest is all just gut feeling.
It’s the gut feeling I’ve been trying to tamp down the most, and I feel like I’ve done an okay job of that. Without the gut feeling this is by far the weakest of my past life claims (Pte. John Harris being the strongest owing to the sheer number and quality of confirmations and the fact that he wasn’t famous).
I’m actually kind of hoping nothing triggers me on this trip. The truth is I don’t want to have been Phil because I want to believe he’s achieved gnosis and isn’t coming back. If I was him, then I either fucked up or I was fooling myself. Also, if I was him then I was a terrible father and a fatally flawed husband and that’s a painful thing to consider.
I had gotten rid of the gut feeling that I was Count William, until meeting a friend whom I had only spoken to online up until that point and who reminded me in subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways of Richard jerked me back into that feeling permanently and made me feel awkward about talking to my friend for months. I don’t want that again… but I do want answers.
Fools rush in where angels fear to tread, I suppose.
I’m picking up the rental car and packing my bags tomorrow, then Thursday morning first thing we’re heading on the first leg of our drive, stopping in Eureka before continuing on to Point Reyes Station on Friday. It’s such a long drive from Portland and I haven’t driven in almost two years so at the moment I’m actually more nervous about the drive itself.
I’ll post at least one more update before I leave.