Big News

First, a thought on past lives: what I did in prior lifetimes does matter, but castigating myself for it is unhelpful.  I need to back off the need to justify my existence by joining some noble struggle.  I need to really accept that existing passively is a valid option; in fact that’s kind of what Buddha taught.  Karma is as much the ripples from the stones you cast as it is your tendency to cast stones in the first place; if the ripples bother you, better to cast no stones.  It isn’t easy once you’ve developed that habit, but it is perfectly within your free will as a thinking, feeling being to change your habits.

In other words, I guess I’m back, and I guess I’ve overcome my hangups regarding thinking of past lives.

Also, I’m getting married!!!

I wanted to wait until I could afford a proper wedding, but owing to concerns about the legal status of a marriage between a cis man and a transgender woman in the coming administration, my fiance and I have decided to have a small, low-key ceremony to make it official and then have a proper ceremony for our family and friends when time and money permit.

We’ve been together for 11 years and we’ve been living under the same roof for 8 years.  I think at this point we’re not budging as a couple.

My first and hopefully only marriage in my present life is scheduled for December 18. It will be exclusive to ourselves, our bishop, and three friends (two witnesses+one backup in case one of the witnesses doesn’t show).

I still can’t believe I’ve found a man that puts up with someone as neurotic as me.  Relationship-wise, I don’t know if I’ve ever had it this good.  I had six divorces in my last life, a sweetheart who ended up marrying my brother after I got myself killed in France in the life before that, and no memories of any lasting relationship before that.  In fact more often than not, I’ve been a pretty hapless lover.

I had one life when I know for a fact I was in a stable, lifelong relationship but it was more than 800 years ago and I sadly remember nothing of my life with Ela of Salisbury (though I wish I did).  But even that was something more of a business arrangement; I married her mainly because she came with the Earldom of Salisbury as a dowry and any affection we had was something we cultivated as a means of meeting the commitments that married life implied.

I’m in completely different territory here.  My life in the 21st century seems to be a combo breaker in many different ways.  It’s proof that for all the similarities in character and personality I have to my prior lives, I’m still my own person.  And that’s good.  It means I don’t have to be a slave to the past.


A Thought

Perhaps it’s simply too painful for me to think about these as past lives any more.

Perhaps that’s why I’d rather think this was the memory of some spirit other than my own.

Truth be told, though, of late I’ve been repressing thoughts of past lives.  I’ve been avoiding thinking about it.  I’ve especially been keeping my thoughts about the war to a minimum.

I think right now though, the most painful thing for me is that in the last 250 years I have only known two countries as my home, and now I feel I hardly know either of them.  The rise of the right wing in the US and UK has turned the countries I thought I knew into a parody of their former selves.  Hypocritical attitudes toward the sacrifices of those who made our two countries are reaching nauseating pitch.  Modern ideology masquerading as tradition invades and corrupts minds at the highest levels of power.  The poor and the underprivileged are swept aside to line the pockets of rich bigots.  The dominoes have all fallen, and my two homelands have fallen into a new dark age.

And yet, these dominoes were set up centuries ago.  They were set up during events I took part in.  Things I made and did contributed to these problems.

I’d rather not believe in past lives.  I’d rather not believe just how much of the world I now live in was something I helped make.

I’m going to take a hiatus from updating here for a while.


Possible Breakthrough

The mid-19th Century life I saw flashes of included a name that wafted into my consciousness, “Clyde Star(r).”  This led me to discover the Clyde steamers, including one in the 1850s which I think was called the “Star,” but didn’t turn up much else.

I have now found a link between the Clyde steamers and the American coast in the mid-19th Century: Civil War Blockade Runners.  Apparently, something like 40 percent of the ships were Scottish and I’ve found a book that might answer some of my questions:

I may try to see if any of the local libraries has a copy of this book.  I am increasingly convinced that “Clyde Star” is the name of a ship and if I find out that there was such a ship used as a blockade runner, then my whereabouts in the mid-19th century will make much more sense.  It’s quite likely I was involved in delivering one of these ships to a third party in one of the northern states since I have memories of being in the Northeastern US but not in the Southeast.

Thoughts On Our Current Situation

Since I’m under no pressure to not come off as a crank here, and because shy of abusing WordPress’s TOS I can pretty much say what I damned well want, I suppose this is as good a space to say it as any.

At any rate, I’m accustomed to being a cassandra.  Nobody believed me when I said that Bush’s case for war in Iraq was extremely sketchy, and nobody believed me when I said that Russia was covertly influencing the American right wing.  I’ve been proved right on both points.

Here’s my latest bit of insight: I believe that what we’re witnessing is a slow burn civil war between factions within our government, where alliances are mercurial and the exact number and nature of the parties involved is extremely murky.  Something big is going on, with those who influence the flow of information and intelligence somehow pulling the strings, working in a series of complex maneuvers to gradually steer this country toward plutocracy.

It isn’t clear who is involved, but we can find some glimmers of possible intrigue if we look closely at the last 50 years.

We have, for instance, this article in the L.A. Times that exposes the fact that factions in Iraq and Syria armed by the Pentagon have been fighting factions armed by the CIA.  On its own this sounds like a procedural fuckup, but consider that the factions fighting in that part of the world are all proxies for world powers.  Why would a world power fight against itself?

Second, there’s the probable collusion of the FBI in Trump’s election victory.  This has been well-documented in the press of late.

Third, there’s the historic role of the FBI as a sort of force above and beyond the bounds of regular law enforcement, particularly for the enforcement of social norms and prohibitionism.  They became a de facto secret police under J. Edgar Hoover, especially during the Nixon administration, when they launched programs like COINTELPRO to break up activist groups within the US.  The Nixon years also gave us the War on Drugs, and the intelligence community in particular seems keen on preserving the status quo when it comes to that particular effort.

It’s worth noting that no president will touch the expensive and disastrous war on drugs despite it being, in all objective measure, a failure and a human rights catastrophe.  Obama probably came the closest, but his entire approach has been to wash his hands of the matter rather than become directly involved.

Fourth, I’ve found evidence of the FBI spreading conspiracy theories that have been favored by conservatives; particularly in perpetuating the Satanic Panic.  I found video of former FBI head Ted Gunderson spewing a litany of such conspiracy theories for which there is no proof, only mountains of hearsay in the tabloid press.  I also personally know enough esoteric types to tell you, there is no “Illuminati,” just rich people who’ll cut each other’s throats over a chance to run the world.  They operate more or less in plain sight and the things they do are often more outrageous and shocking than any conspiracy theory.

Now here’s where it gets confusing: why would they prefer Trump over Clinton?  She’s already supported the status quo on the war on drugs, she’s clearly a Nixon acolyte like every president we’ve had since the mid-70s, and seemed to be the establishment favorite.  What happened?

The best I can guess is that the alliances and priorities of the intelligence community have shifted somewhat.  They still want a Nixonesque strongman in charge, and Trump certainly provides that; where Trump differs chiefly and most sharply from Clinton is his policy toward Russia.

It is not uncommon, in a civil war, for one faction or another to side with a foreign power in order to achieve its goals.  If a covert civil war has indeed broken out between various factions within our government, then it may be that the intelligence community has begun to side with Russia in which case, the civilian government will be very easily manipulated into a harder, pro-Russian stand.  It could be because Russia has the upper hand strategically, or it could be because Russia has been more proactive in advancing plutocracy.  It could also be that, after the fall of the Soviet Union, we underestimated the political will and means of the Russian state to infiltrate our republic the way we infiltrated the Soviet Union and, ultimately, overthrew it.

What exactly is happening is unclear but it’s clear that something is very wrong on a profound level.  US intelligence services and the FBI are somehow involved.  Elections are being tampered with, control of people and information seem to be at least part of the stakes involved, and there is something of a thread of continuity going back to the late 1960s that hints at a totalitarian shift in the US government around that time that has remained in play for nearly half a century.

Recording For The Record

Recording the following predictions for the record, probably wrong on all counts, don’t bother too much with all this:

  1. Faced with a revolt, Trump will call up the Russian Army for support.  The revolt will be quelled with little effort and peace will be restored, but only through intimidation.
  2.  Trump’s real estate and financial dealings in Turkey will have major consequences and force the Turkish government to change its laws.  An Egyptian, probably a businessman, will be the plaintiff in the case.
  3. Trump’s pivot toward Israel will provoke some of his more far-right supporters to assassinate someone connected with Israel.  It will have devastating consequences for his presidency and may cause him to turn on people who once supported him.
  4. Trump will initially be given the presidency but will eventually be driven out of office.  A portion of his supporters will then prosecute a civil war; people will sell their possessions to buy weapons, food, and supplies and people deemed “enemies” by this faction will be targeted mercilessly.



First Dissonance

The first dissonance in considering that the memories I saw were the memories of another spirit and not my own come from how much ownership I have of the emotions of these other people.

I have to admit, it’s far stronger with Jack than with Phil.  I feel a much stronger resonance with the old Tommy inasmuch as I can see myself perfectly in his shoes.  The things I saw felt more real and solid and more personal than anything I saw with Phil.

But if these were all memories of a prior spirit that had fused its being with mine, wouldn’t I feel that way anyhow?  But if so, at what point did the spirit come to me?  What about those little things I did while I was in England, those strange feelings that nagged at me all the while?  If I assume that the spirit simply came to me in 2012 then I will have to ignore all the things that happened in 2003-2005.

That leaves me with two possibilities:

*Jack, at least, was a past life of mine regardless of whether or not Phil was, or

*The spirit has been with me a very long time, perhaps all my life, and only recently made itself known.

Similarly Phil had experiences years before he felt as if the spirit had descended upon him.  What do I make of this?

Trying It On

I’ve decided to take the idea that my flashes were not past life memories and were, in fact, the memories of a secondary spirit and try it on for size.

In other words, I’m going to seriously consider things from the framework that I was contacted by the spirit that Philip K. Dick called VALIS.  I want to see how that affects my long-term outlook on things.

I will explore things from that POV over the next few entries, possibly for an extended time.