A while ago, in fact a day before finishing my screenplay, I ran out of weed and decided not to use any more until I’ve taken an honest attempt at fixing my myriad emotional problems.
I grant you, the weed didn’t make things worse; in fact it caused an uptick in creativity, raised my GPA slightly, and generally provided a band-aid for me while I made do with the situation I was in. But my situation changed after graduation, and I’ve decided to deal with the problems I couldn’t deal with at the PSU clinic (for a number of reasons) head-on before lighting up again.
Unfortunately, this means re-awakening the monsters that the weed subdued. Fear, rage, negativity, violent thoughts, and perhaps worst of all the night terrors.
I don’t know when they started. I know that the weed didn’t cause them though. They became an issue when I moved in with my fiance and stopped sleeping alone, about 20 months before my first experience with cannabis, though I suspect that I’ve had them longer.
It always takes the form of someone watching me while I try to sleep or relax, and me acting out the reaction. Sometimes it’s just talking, sometimes I wake up screaming, and sometimes I end up kicking and punching. The last one is the worst, since I usually feel terrible because I end up hitting my fiance in my sleep and I can’t help it.
I don’t know what caused them exactly. It could be any number of things in my present life or, worse, it could be past-life related. I have an awful feeling that what I’m re-living is something that happened in 1915 that I only half remember.
I’m in therapy now, and I’m scheduled for a sleep study finally after years of waiting, but I have had so little success with these problems in the past. I just want to have a real life. I’m so sick of being crippled by problems that no one can see. They’ve been with me most of my life, perhaps even multiple lives.
Will I ever be free?